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12:46 p.m. - November 20, 2003
Feeling bad
A colleague, an acquaintance, committed suicide yesterday. I am surprised by the anger registered towards a woman I didn't know well at all other than brief conversational exchanges about sociology and right wing politics. And self-application has finally yielded results, a lukewarm signal of rising awareness. Last spring had I done it, maybe people would have been angry and disappointed towards me. I hadn't considered that before and it is an element heretofore unacknowledged.

Am I erroneous to assume her problems were greater than my own or that she was weaker in dealing with them? And again, after *George from the support group committed suicide, am I digging myself out of an hourglass only to have it righted and may one day be compelled - realize - to give up when all that work counts for naught and the spade is too heavy to lift?

And I feel guilty over an unrelated nexus: The department is funding my return to school next quarter. People want me. People like me. I may be (or want to be) oblivious and cold but there are those who believe in me even if I don't. And maybe that's in the back of my mind, some version of a holographic safety net I don't fully trust, and maybe she didn't have that and ran out of energy fighting. I worry about what happens when mine dissipates or I push hard enough and it goes away.


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