10:35 p.m. - January 09, 2003
I haven't heard back from the selection committee at the conference (reason for going to Indianapolis, as if there can be another, excepting that auto thing that I've never understood) and while I try to shrug I want to be chosen, I want to lecture and amaze. I suspect I'm in need of a thrill and an ego boost (Warning: More coming on that topic momentarily), likely less thrill and more boost if I'm to be honest and not hedge. In the context of me lecturing, amaze is not hyperbole.
Damn it. An eyelash is entangled.
Pause, please. (Life-long hazard. Eyelashes, I mean, not pausing.)
Trying to pinpoint the when, not the why, of the need to be in a position of ___ (power? admiration? attention?) that this conference represents and may potentially fulfill. This need isn't along the same lines as being asked for a telephone number or the honor of being chosen for an alleyway quickie, but more of a fueling up and that's exactly it - gas - and these opportunities are like stations along the way. Perhaps the when is more tangible than the why and I ought to be investigating this but isn't it obvious? Everybody needs a boost and mine happen to (solely) originate in the academic establishment - but (bet you saw that coming) I despise the limitation and the need and the when and the why, all in once. Damn. This is a cry for a hobby if I ever (didn't) hear one.
I wonder why school and academia have been my refuge all these years. A couple days ago I wrote that school is something for me to do because I have nothing better to fill my time, but that wasn't it. I think I ran back because I was afraid of failing elsewhere and returning to the nest like you going home to your parents and getting back into the bed you slept in before and ignoring the calls of your parents below seems like the right thing to do.
Easy to confuse good with right and need, isn't it?