6:24 a.m. - March 04, 2003
Last night was difficult; I wanted to talk to someone but there wasn't anybody with whom I could unload. See, that's the problem of pushing people away, isn't it? I know, and I also know I keep it in and suck it up and today will be fine, it will be great, it's mind over matter and it is decided.
People whose opinions I valued once said I was brilliant, I had a promising future in English or theory or more recently, in linguistics or second language acquisition, cognitive science, neurolinguistics. What good is all of that when there's nobody to share it with? Competing interests - be close, be distant - and it's only that this morning one is heavier than the other. That perfect balance of neither needing nor wanting people doesn't appeal this morning.
Say hi in the guestbook? That'd make me feel good. How pathetic is that appeal? OK, so I'm smiling but it's not a heartfelt one.