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10:03 a.m. - February 07, 2004
Saturday morning, a quiet time to think about the rising confluence of ambition and direction
Yesterday received an email from the program dean at the university in Washington, D.C., inquiring into my tentative summer plans. I responded and said am interested though with the (useless) caveat: Housing near the university or at least within walking distance of the Metro.

Part of me wouldn't mind and the other part feels the university stint has exhausted its purpose and merely allows me to put off settling down on what it is I really want to do and pursuing that. The first year, I admit, was about the ego; the second year to reaffirm and solidify my ego's gains; and this year I don't feel the need for it. Perhaps that's a good sign of regaining equilibrium, it having swung out of check these past couple years in response to the unmitigated hobbling of my personal and professional interests and pursuits.

I used to be confident, though not brash, and that confidence was well-earned and executed; and now I find it difficult to say yes or no when asked a direct question. It's like I've become a stranger to myself though as I write this the realization that I am no longer in a state of inertia is all too clear. However, the direction is not yet clear and I haven't learned to let go enough and enjoy the ride.

I think offhandedly that I'm ready to go back to teaching full time.


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