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4:44 p.m. - August 25, 2003
Retreat! Retreat!
Just off the phone with Eli and that familiar response pattern is back and took him by surprise. How easily I retreat, guided by a scorched earth policy. I listened to him until he began repeating himself, changing his Three Concerns to Three-Concerns-Sublimated-By-Earnest-Declarations-Of-Interest-And-Apologies and said I'd prefer to talk to him tomorrow.

I've been thinking about coming out versus not and I realize I don't know many people's stories given I don't hang out with or know any gay men very well. A cursory thought is that given my general self-protectiveness or share-nothing-that's-none-of-your-businessness, announcing to strangers a sexual preference is too revealing. Why must coming out be an overt act? What's wrong with someone assuming you're straight until and unless you say otherwise? What I do is nobody's business and I prefer to keep it that way. Eli worries that I'd introduce him as my friend and I had to tell him the truth: Regardless of status as friend or boyfriend or partner, what makes him think he'd meet my family? A bit of a culture clash, he coming from a Cuban family with 8 children and I don't know how many nieces and nephews. It's not a matter of people knowing I'm gay, it's a matter of people knowing me. There's an important difference.

Where does this coldness come from? How do I control it? What purpose does it serve other than reinforce this emotional anomie? Interesting to note Eli's statement that many gay men are simply unable to forge emotional bonds with other men and perhaps I'm that way? and inside I laughed to myself thinking, Maybe so, and that means I'm more gay than I ever thought possible.

So I'm Jason, a closeted, mostly-gay guy who fantasizes about women, and I'm sexually and emotionally celibate.

That should keep people at bay.

Minus (-) all points garnered to date.


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