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1:16 p.m. - August 22, 2003
Some thoughts on Eli, talking myself into something
The downside of keeping people away is that when you want to talk and desire objective feedback, the reality is an awful lot of silence. Eh. Who am I kidding? I tend to ignore objectivity unless it falls in line with my own. A step back and I can see I'm making headway in little-ripple increments, just the way I prefer.

Eli and I hung out last night and talked for hours about our backgrounds and beliefs and I'm alarmed at how easily / quickly I find myself thinking about him far more than I'd like. A night with surprises, that's for sure:

(1) Eli is a Christian, and not the Spec variety (you know.... say you're Christian just so the Christian guy you're interested in lets down his guard quicker). I was suspicious and grilled him on theology and I can't believe we're on the same religious page.

(2) He was in an 11-year, monogamous relationship that ended in January (his partner wanted an open relationship and cheated on him) and previous to that, he was in a 3 year relationship. Here's the math: He's 33, meaning he met Cheater at 22, and First Relationship at 19. While I admire relationshipping, I'm discouraged by his Easy Sex since then. (Hypocrisy, I know)

(3) He likes shy guys.

We went to Barnes & Noble to buy this book on colors and psychology and relationships, one of those things you laugh about and inspires conversation (I can't remember the title, but I'll ask him). I'm an environmental-tan-green with an overlay of red and after going through the mini-workbook, I'll swear by it myself. I'm a color acolyte; everything was on the mark. Eli's an environmental-tan-yellow with a blue undertone. We talked politics (he's a Dem, I'm not), coming out (his mother tries to fix him up, his father died long before), relationships. He likes smart guys, especially ones who speak Spanish. He thinks I know everything because each bit of trivia he threw at me I could explain, answer, propound. (Of course I know Cuban geography, geopolitical influences, Bautista, the flight to southern Florida, design principles and geometric lines, foundation-relative-to-height, vectors, and the three most populated countries.)I think he can read my mind and I like the way he calls me babe. Of all things, I know. But I like his barely-there accent, he likes my voice and laugh, I like his blue eyes. They smolder and make me nervous, but good nervous.

Some downsides:

(a) He's not the most educated person in the world when it comes to writing. He writes emails the way he speaks: I should of gone home earlier . . . .

(b) He's out and doesn't understand why I'm not, especially when I have a lesbian mother (similar to what Oz says). He was very involved with his partner's family and seems to expect that.

(c) He travels a lot due to work. He's going to the Midwest in January to oversee a project and he'll be gone for 7 months.

(d) He kids around about us getting married - in a good way, though. He's coming on strong and I don't know how to respond well.

(e) He found out I'm ticklish and he pounces on me. I like that partially. He's playful and affectionate and doesn't mind that I'm not.

(f) He talks a lot. Usually I prefer this - because it means I don't have to talk - but this guy can go on.

(g) He's kind of like Spec sexually in a way that bothers me yet turns me on.

There's more but I suspect I'm finding reasons to push him away so I'll stop now. I want to see him again tonight.

I feel naive and foolish to be excited about this.


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