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12:41 p.m. - December 07, 2003
A[deleted]a, listen up and weigh options
Talked to A[deleted]a last night and in the spirit of openess that thus far is more akin to Gorbachev's glasnost than Ricki Lake's doorbell, mentioned Ryan II briefly, said I'm nervous-excited about how things are going. My best, closest friend since 1997, sighed and made a crack about confusing the gender differences so quickly I changed the subject. I don't know what to expect or what I should expect from her regarding this - this what? I can't honestly call it a foray at this point - transition of sorts and I would hope she'd be as thrilled for the straight as well as the not-so-straight me.

This passivity of sorts is beginning to bother me now that I've noticed it. I was angry towards A[deleted]a but willed it away, feeling guilty almost that I'd be offended at the offensive crack she made, chalking it up to her protectionism and concern for my faith (we're both Christians). But you know, I'm tired of it and want her to either be with me or delimit our relationship into Open and Off Limits topics, the way I do with most other people, even the ones I call friends. A couple weeks ago Therapist 2 (I need to come up with some names) pressed me on how and when I demonstrate anger - and I couldn't tell him. I will it away down into the pit and it's forgotten but not really, though it doesn't fester; it's more like sandstone formation one sand grain at a time compressed into rock. And in response to further prodding by Therapist 2, how do I show my anger? That's a given anti-force majeure and simply doesn't happen.

There are two logical courses of action: One, to detail my expectations regarding A[deleted]a's discomfort towards the who or what I am in which she's my best friend and supportive to the end; or Two, to cut her off the way I do so easily and talk work or books or our arcane topics of interest (most recently, this morning's discussion on the cr- phoneme's entomology in Celtic languages), but I know me better than that. If you don't get my emotional investment, you don't get my idiosyncracies either. I can be up front with her and state what I want: I want my best friend to be supportive because it sucks when she isn't.

I am too sensitive.


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