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8:31 p.m. - March 21, 2003
Spec's here and shirtless yum yum
Spec is here, sleeping, all mine until Monday morning. Picked him up at the airport and it felt normal to see him walk up to the car and get in, throw his bag into the back. Quick peck on the cheek and then we held hands while driving home. I've always liked that and it's one thing I've never been ashamed over, holding another guy's hand like this.

Came home, cuddled and I'm pathetic, I can't keep my hands off his chest despite reminding myself Don't be too eager but who was I kidding? I put my head and hands up his shirt and smelled him - I love that immensely, find it erotic overkill - and then took it off and it was like before. Talked about our plans for the weekend - working in the backyard, going for a drive, the movies - and eventually he fell asleep. Damn, I've got a hot guy in my bed but there's only so much cuddling one can take.

So rosy is the picture thus far.

No, not really. I feel, have always felt, not his equal on a variety of levels - intellectually, definitely physically - and that's played out in this mess of our (non)relationship in which he assume/d the role of elder statesman to my junior, feels the need to show me the ropes, look out for my better interests, so to speak. So as we're laying there he asks Are you going to be good this weekend? and my stomach sank. Maybe I'm over-reacting, being too sensitive or something. But it rankled.

I have unrealistic expectations.


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